


so here I am again

by igot_markson



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, But Really Some, CRY ME A RIVER, Drama, Eventual Happy Ending, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Longing, M/M, POV First Person, some smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-11
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-23 12:22:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9657317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/igot_markson/pseuds/igot_markson
Summary: “If it’s hard for you, too. If you still have something for me, give me one more chance. Give us one more chance”, - Mark never was so broken and emotional.I just open and close my mouth. In our pair I was the one who is loud and decisive. But this time it’s Mark who has courage to tell something we both were thinking about. And I even can’t reply. Have I ever felt myself more miserable? Probably no.All our memories ran through my mind. Laugh, smiles, tears, screams, touches, silent promises, embraces, long fingers, sweet scent, warm nights, fallen leaves under foots, sea breeze, cold snow, endless rain, breathtaking wind, and he - he who was always here for me. But not now.It's over, Jackson, it's over. Forget it. Even if every centimeter of this and many other cities is filled with him. With both of you.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I finally decided to give some of my notes chance to become something bigger and complete. Hope you will like this story. I don't want to make it really long, but it won't be short, too. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Tell me how you feel about it ^^

I’m feeling the coldness of windowsill. Ice slowly spread throughout my body starting from the fingertips. This feeling is the only thing that still places me on the ground.

This meeting shouldn’t have happened. Not today. Not any day. I’m still not ready to look at these caramel-like eyes. I’m still not ready to breathe the same air with that person. I’m still not ready to hear that familiar voice. Not today. Not any day.

But I saw him. He is still radiantly shining. Even after six years I still can’t get over the way he grabs all attention in the room, even though he never tries to do it. Or it’s just me who even once couldn’t fight his magnetism.

We meet again. I hoped to avoid this moment, as much as possible.

It feels like he was in ease. Like nothing special happened. Like it was only me who forgot how to breathe. I thought he was ok, until I dared to look at him. His eyes and body language were always loud, unlike himself. After so many years he learned how to control it, but I examined every angle of his body for long 72 months, so he cannot fool me. And he knows it.

We both were lost, the very moment he entered the room, the very moment I lifted up my eyes, the very moment we understood what happened. After all this time we have pretty much one circle of friends. Not a surprise that we bumped at each other eventually. Honestly, we would have never been ready for that.

My head was recollecting every single second of our meet: the way his lips moved, when he barely audible said “Hi”, how he was staring at me waiting for reply, how I just nodded and quickly led the glance. How his shoulders went down a little when I did that. How he just stood here in the middle of the room. How he nervously scratched his neck – usual habit, when he is not comfortable. How I couldn’t sit here, understanding that he is just several steps away. How he watched me leaving the room with the eyes full of bitterness, confusion and humility?

Now I am sitting here, looking at the window, hiding from the world – from him. Like a coward.

I hear the familiar steps. No matter how much time passes by, I will always recognize it. Even if I forget my name, I won’t forget the way his foots touch the ground.

The door opens, and my heart gets frozen.

“Gaga” – I clench my fists with all my might, cause this name coming out of his lips is too much for my weak heart. And he knows it. He knows me too well.

“Gaga”, - he repeats, - “Can we talk?”

I swallow loudly, trying to get rid of the nervousness and fear.

“Um, yeah”, - my voice doesn’t sound right, it definitely doesn’t, - “I mean yes, of course…Yi En”

He is silent. I am used to his silence, but this time it’s another type of it – he is fighting with himself and I can catch it with every cell of my body. As usual I can’t let him struggle alone, so I turn directly to him, putting my widest smile.

“Mind to sit down?” - I’m pouting the space near me. Mark smiles in reply, just silently placing himself beside me.

“How are you doing, Jacks? I heard you moved?”

“Yes, was pretty busy. Moving is pain in my ass, but I needed to change the surroundings”

“Guess, I can understand”

I coughed. When did talking to each other become so awkward?

“What about you, Mark? Did you find a job?”

“Kind of. Just started but don’t know if it will work out”

“Hey! Tuan, I am tired of telling how talented you are. You can make everything brilliant as long as you put some effort. Just try. Don’t give up. You know, you should never give up on something you can’t live a day without”

He turns his eyes to me. This glance is the questioning one, with a hidden pain on the depth of it. I always repeat not to give up, but it was me who didn’t follow advice. And I’m afraid to see Mark’s reaction.

The uncomfortable silence is here again. I think I can touch the air between us. Mark is playing with his fingers, downing his eyes after a while. He decides something and I’m not sure if I want to know what it is. So I am staying mute.

“Gaga”, - Mark’s voice breaks, but after few seconds he continues, - “Look at me, please. I’m missing the light in your eyes”

My heart skips a beat. Pain washes my whole nature. I’m trying to smile, but it’s not easy, so I just lift my eyes. I cannot deny his request. Not today. Not six years ago.

I can see how Mark’s eyes becomes red, cause he is fighting with his feelings. His eyes are always warm, even when he is on the edge of the tears, even when he is afraid. He gives the warmth. The warmth, dedicated only for me.

I can’t hold anymore and place hand above his. His hands are cold and a little sweaty. As usual, when he is nervous. I’m caressing it, and feelings hit me without remorse. I never knew how much I was longing for our touches. It seems like there was no painful three months. Like we never parted. Like everything finally found the right places. But it’s just an illusion and it hurts too much.

“Jackson, are you feeling it, too?”

“You know, I am a coward”, - he continues with pause. My head rises immediately, but before I am able to open my mouth, Mark starts speaking again.

“I should have stopped you. I shouldn’t have hidden from you. When you started to get away, I should have run for you, not just watched you disappearing. I was weak”, - his eyes watered, and my hand is automatically on his cheek.

“If it’s hard for you, too. If you still have something for me, give me one more chance. Give us one more chance”, - Mark never was so broken and emotional.

I just open and close my mouth. In our pair I was the one who is loud and decisive. But this time it’s Mark who has courage to tell something we both were thinking about. And I even can’t reply. Have I ever felt myself more miserable? Probably no.

My whole body is longing for Mark, but my brain keeps saying that our break-up had reasons behind it, and those reasons won’t disappear right away. But maybe we needed some time apart to be able to fix them?

My thoughts disappear the minute I saw how Mark’s face comes closer. He is looking at me full of hope and asking for allowance. My inner conflict gets even more intense, but, God damn, I don’t want him to stop.

“Yi En, I am…”

The alarm rings loudly, waking me up from the dream. As I open my eyes I’m searching for the warmth in my hands, for the silent sweet breath. I’m looking for Mark. But there is nobody here. It’s just my new empty apartment. The only sign of Mark is little figurine on the nightstand. The cheerful Luigi looks at me with mockery.

Why the hell I didn’t throw it away? Anger is rising inside me. But when I take the figurine in hands, I’m just caressing it with sigh.

Because it’s him.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to chitchat about anything, find me on Twitter @igot_markson.


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